(916): Momma always says "Nothin open that late 'cept legs and Waffle House"

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(916): That's why I haven't been fucking too many bitches lately. Its hard to get return customers when I send them to the hospital

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(916): My brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(916): I'm making special brownies. With my mom. Something is wrong with this picture.

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(916): I know I'm in college now. I just traded porn sites with my roommate.

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(916): R: She's getting an abortion! Phewww! S: Dude, you're my friend and all, but you need to do the world a favor and put a cap on it. Killing innocent lives is NOT a form of birth control. R: Whatever ass wipe. She didn't make me wear a rubber. S: You both are morons. Your junk should be cut off and she should get her cooch stapled shut.

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(916): Guy at taco belljust gave me 3 free 5 layer buritos. Miracles DO HAPPEN

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(916): Yeah... I'm gonna need to see a therapist if I fuck that bipolar bitch again.

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(916): Rcvd: I'm making choc chip cookies Snt: What about your hot date with baseball guy? Rcvd: He lasted 5 min, kept apologizing, then fell asleep. FAIL. Snt: Why you still at his pad? Rcvd: I'm waking his ass up with a plate of warm cookies and telling him he owes me multiple orgasms. I've earned that much.

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(916): Is it bad that the only reason I had sex with her is so that she would leave?

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(916): remember that guy who I hooked up with a couple times who I had to have the "so I have an std" talk with yesterday just came to my work with his new girlfriend. most awkward lunch of my life!

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(916): (916)i think i just met my future husband (916) lOl WHO? (916) i was watching south park and it told me all my real friends would be on chatroulette..i waded through the dicks but i think i fell in love in the process. i havent seen his face but he types so fast his fingers must b miracleworkers :D

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(916): Picked Nicole up from the bartenders house this morning... (209): So free drinks at zebra this week?

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(916): I don't know what to do! He's my boy but his exgirlfriend is fucking hot!!! (1-916): Dude, you don't go and mow your neighbors lawn (916): No. You don't. But if he's out of town and the lawn is starting to look a little trashy why wouldn't you go clean it up?

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Remember The Pics From Last Night?

Best Friends :)
Awesomeness!