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(740):
Married for 5 years and just had the best sex of my life. Too bad my wife wasnt there to enjoy it with me.
(661):
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
(414):
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
(874):
First you barged into my house unannounced at supper and declared war against my dog for giving you the "eye" than patted my little brother on the head and said 'you are one of my own young grasshoper' than pointed your stick at my dad and told him to fuck himself... i dont think things are going to work
(908):
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
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(949):
What do you require baby? (949): Lots of lube (949): Fuck i meant Love ***** (949): Or both
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346
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202
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(62)
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(254):
Would it be weird of I asked him if he was circumcised? (1-254): No... I just asked my boyfriend if I could give him head after we just had a horrible emotional discussion
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255
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142
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(1568)
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(917):
I've got double d's that are calling you're name ;) (1-917): Well put a shirt over them, the game is on
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198
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210
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(17)
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F U, Auto Correct! - Funny iphone Auto-Correct Texts :)
F You, Auto Correct.com
(318):
Dude last night was epic shit. Like bigger than anything we ever did. People lost articles of clothing in the club
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176
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73
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(18)
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(440):
Everyone was so shocked to hear that she was a virgin they were speechless. I said I could cure that problem for her and we hooked up. It was that simple.
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407
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88
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(15)
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(817):
Ultimate walk of shame, had to walk 3 houses down and across the street in nothin but a towel while the neighbors family was outside staring
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278
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90
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(24)
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(925):
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
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587
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77
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(6)
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(427):
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
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263
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63
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(15)
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(510):
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
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428
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33
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(8)
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(910):
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
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344
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97
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(6)
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(757):
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Great Night
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201
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33
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(5)
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(619):
Be still, my beating vagina.
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248
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49
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(14)
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(612):
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
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235
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35
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(16)
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(831):
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
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289
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112
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(13)
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