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(303):
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
(251):
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
(414):
You left your cat here last night.. (1-414): Does he have my keys?
(760):
DUDE!!!!!! My fingers hurt like hell!! (1-760): That's because you decided to become the drunk superhero and put your fingers in the stapler.. Repeatedly (760): You're lying (1-760): You're the one with the injuries
(412):
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
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(949):
What do you require baby? (949): Lots of lube (949): Fuck i meant Love ***** (949): Or both
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346
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202
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(62)
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(254):
Would it be weird of I asked him if he was circumcised? (1-254): No... I just asked my boyfriend if I could give him head after we just had a horrible emotional discussion
Great Night
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255
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142
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(1568)
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(917):
I've got double d's that are calling you're name ;) (1-917): Well put a shirt over them, the game is on
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198
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210
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(17)
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F U, Auto Correct! - Funny iphone Auto-Correct Texts :)
F You, Auto Correct.com
(318):
Dude last night was epic shit. Like bigger than anything we ever did. People lost articles of clothing in the club
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176
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73
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(18)
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(440):
Everyone was so shocked to hear that she was a virgin they were speechless. I said I could cure that problem for her and we hooked up. It was that simple.
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407
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88
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(15)
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(817):
Ultimate walk of shame, had to walk 3 houses down and across the street in nothin but a towel while the neighbors family was outside staring
Great Night
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278
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90
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(24)
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(925):
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
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587
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77
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(6)
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(427):
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Great Night
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263
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63
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(15)
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(510):
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
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428
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33
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(8)
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(910):
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Great Night
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344
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97
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(6)
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(757):
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Great Night
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201
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33
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(5)
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(619):
Be still, my beating vagina.
Great Night
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248
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49
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(14)
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(612):
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Great Night
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235
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35
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(16)
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(831):
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
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289
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112
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(13)
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