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(360):
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
(304):
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
(978):
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
(224):
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
(304):
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
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(225):
(225) Why am I covered in ketchup, mustard and maple syrup? (1225) You were trying to make a chart to show your blood alcohol level and prove you weren't drunk. (225) That explains the ketchup and mustard... (1225) Then you had another shot and tried to explain how much more awesome you dick is than canada. (225) ... that explains the smeared poster board with a hole in it...
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(225)
(225):
This app sucks.
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(225)
(225):
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
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(225):
You know what sucks? (1-936): Whores, vacuum cleaners, getting robbed, stubbing your toe, getting arrested, hangovers, gay guys hitting on you, 9-11, girls not DTF, daytime TV, gas prices? (225): Yeah. Those things suck more than what I was going to say. Smart ass
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(225)
(225):
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
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(225)
(225):
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
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(225):
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
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(225)
(225):
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
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(225)
(225):
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
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(225)
(225):
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
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(225)
(225):
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
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52
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(225)
(225):
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
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92
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(225)
(225):
If we don't fuck in the next twenty four hours, I'm breaking up with him. (1-225): Um...frustration? (225): I need to get laid...
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62
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(225)
(225):
If we don't fuck in the next twenty four hours, I'm breaking up with him. (1-225): Um...frustration? (225): I need to get laid...
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