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(703):
The look on the cops face was priceless when I told him I rear ended that old lady because I was staring at some high school chicks ass
(403):
(rev'd) I love my boyfriend. (sent) You've known him a week... (rev'd) I know, but even after her cums he can stay hard and keep going until I'm done :D (sent) keeper. Definatly a keeper.
(806):
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
(573):
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
(412):
someone drew a dick on my face when I was passed out and my tongue is still blue from the jello shots... shit I have to go to church in half an hour
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(214):
you can not fuck away the gay
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(214)
(214):
I'm a total mind ninja right now. I wonder wtf was in those shots. I may need one every sunday morning to hone in on my ninja skills.
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(214)
(214):
You started balling in the bathtub screaming "I finally got a skinny guy and I lost him". That's what you get for choosing fat Asians over the quarterback. 1-214 after awhile they just looked to damn alike
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(214)
(214):
Def Took me ten years to fnd you'd name I LOVE YOIUUU PROM BOM BOM EQUALS AUCCES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (:(:(:(:(:(
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(214)
(214):
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
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(214)
(214):
if you ever go home don't be alarmed that your lawn chair is missing.we finally got back from the strip club and danny is stuck in it AGAIN. (406)i would expect nothing less from his 21st birthday.just clean the puke off when you bring it back. (214) deal!
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(214)
(214):
if i just put it in her butt i should probly wash it before i put it anywhere else right?
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(214)
(214):
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
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(214)
(214):
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
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(214)
(214):
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
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(214)
(214):
Dude it was past 12:00 so we just jacked the beer n left the money there, come meet us in the woods were cooking microwavable white castle burgers over a fire lol
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(214)
(214):
Ive never been so hungover in my life.... Ansd these people want me to climb a fucking pyramid wtfff (972): You're half Mexican, half Irish. Suck it up and conquer those fuckin mayan ruins
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(214)
(214):
Dude, you were army crawling all over my house rogering over a radio you did not have telling everyone that your legs had just gotten blown off in battle. I think you were about to cry, too.
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(214)
(214):
If you don't like a girls voice, remember, they all sound the same with a dick in their mouth
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