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(973):
I woke up with this huge bandage on my forehead because I got cut in a bar fight. I just took it off and I think I’m going to have a Harry Potter scar.
(417):
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging drunk too much. Fuck yes.
(912):
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
(509):
Never ask the window girl at jack in the box if she's such a bitch because she can't find someone to jack her box.
(214):
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
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(702):
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
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