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(802):
My boyfriend was stoned and made a crucifix out of my brother's legos. He used his zombie lego figure as the Jesus. When asked why he picked that figure he said “It’s the only one I have that came back from being dead”.
(919):
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
(803):
If i ever double fist Jack Daniels and Smirnoff again, I hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of water
(718):
the only present I got for valentines day was Plan B.
(718):
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
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(574):
FUCK MY LIFE
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(696):
SHA SHA HOBERG
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(126):
uhhh
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