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(714):
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
(408):
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that. (717): I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
(610):
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
(252):
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
(973):
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
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(631):
i just got some great head from michelle peitit
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