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(352):
i woke up naked on the kitchen floor with a cigarette in my mouth and an unopened condom in my hand! and instead of askin me why i didnt come back to bed, he asked me to get him a fucking egg mcmuffin!!!!
(570):
I'm sober it's 4 am and I just got a blow job from some chick with a black eye (1-570): Did you give her the black eye.
(682):
You didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
(440):
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
(732):
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
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(905):
Lmao what's a clit?
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