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(910):
Joe was pretending to fly and shouting “I’m graceful like that seagull” (pointing up at a seagull), two seconds later the seagull randomly gets hit by a bus and dies
(347):
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
(774):
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
(706):
I like getting drunk alone and reading MDT. S'like getting drunk with my friends...without the expectations.
(949):
best sex of my life last night. i woke up and he was gone, but left a box of Summer's Eve Douche with sharpie written on it saying "your pussy smells worse than my dogs period blood!" never sleeping with my cousin again. asshole
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(508):
Ijusttook a shit and t smells like.a petting zoo!..
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