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(304):
I just found puke in my bra..
(416):
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
(727):
So I'm thinking, Security for my mansion. I want an army of evil Pomeranians. They'll be ferocious when no one's expecting it.
(570):
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
(315):
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
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(715):
dude, my tounge feels like a dog tounge when i lick my fingers.
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