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(702):
I just woke up and there's a pile of puke on my nightstand and my phone was buried in it.
(505):
Why is my dog wearing my bra? (1-505) You took like 7 shots then decided your dog's nipples were sagging. HE'S A BOY!
(902):
I'm going to shave my phone number into my pubes, so when a girl is giving me head, she will know who to call for more hardcore fucking.
(914):
If youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
(509):
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
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(724):
I'm gonna call you assvivalman, you know just what to do when thrown into the 'wilderness' ;] (1-724): more tosh.o? (724): no actually that was mine. (1-724): i'm happy i'm with you :)
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