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(814):
i went to bail my 3 roomates out of jail but i only had enough cash on me for 2 of them so we did rock paper scissors to see who was staying
(626):
You know how I know I'm drunk? My poop smells like beer!
(831):
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
(419):
I just paid for gas and then left the station. I'm too drunk to go back out and get the gas.
(407):
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
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(831):
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
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