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(954):
so i'm at taco bell and i'm high and the lady at the cashier was like if you call the number on the back of the receipt and you could win $1000. my mind instantly went to "do you know how much weed, beer, and tacos you could buy with that?"
(406):
I don't know if its an inability to shut the door or sheer DGAFedness that makes my grandma keep the door open when she's shitting. The entire house smells like asshole and vicks vapor rub.
(513):
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
(303):
I have a new drinking game for tonight! Everytime Kristen stewart makes a stupid face during Eclipse, we take a swig from my flask.... We may run out of alcohol... And we might need to find a sober ride home.
(810):
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
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(262):
Friend: Sir, i'm in the army. Cop: I don't care... and stop calling me "Sir"
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