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BFF
(207):
seriously, my 7 month old nephew has a bigger penis than him.
(360):
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
(715):
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
(914):
hey wanna do face time on your new phone? (1-914): The only face time I wanna do with u involves my penis
(907):
Hahahaha (: of course. Duhhh. And I have a big ass.. An you got a big dick. We would win that costume party hahahaha (1-907): We could go as an outlet (: (1-907): Plug it in, plug it in (: (907): I am SO game (:
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Best nights of all time
(970):
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Great Night
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1330
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Bad Night
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45
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Comment
(25)
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(970)
(226):
so ya that raccoon that keeps trying to get in my window.. i just blew pot smoke in his face and i guess it was to much cuz he froze then fell over and rolled off the roof. lmao... he's all good tho, just seen him staggering away.
Great Night
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1321
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Bad Night
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33
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Comment
(18)
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(226)
(316):
omg bring my wallet when you come get me tonight. i'm buying a fucking giraffe.
Great Night
(
1276
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Bad Night
(
26
)
Comment
(14)
More texts from
(316)
(706):
last nite u broke up with me and told me ill never find another girl like u... i woke up this morning with 3 girls and im pretty sure there all better than u ever were :)
Great Night
(
1268
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Bad Night
(
60
)
Comment
(44)
More texts from
(706)
(503):
OMG! i just made a guy walk into a pole when i bent over to pick up my phone! best confidence boost ever!!
Great Night
(
1238
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Bad Night
(
15
)
Comment
(4)
More texts from
(503)
(303):
I was wondering why the cops were making such a big deal then I realized I was naked
Great Night
(
1231
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Bad Night
(
83
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Comment
(8)
More texts from
(303)
(858):
We sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. Jack actually started crying when I convinced him his chute didn't open.
Great Night
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1222
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Bad Night
(
47
)
Comment
(62)
More texts from
(858)
(604):
Is it a good thing or a bad thing when you wake up naked with two naked guys in your bed, while holding glow-in-the-dark toy dinosaurs in your hands, and listening to the lion king soundtrack?
Great Night
(
1203
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Bad Night
(
200
)
Comment
(25)
More texts from
(604)
(248):
I just woke up with 2 girls next to me, whipped cream on my stomach, 6 used condoms in the garbage, 2 bottles of bicardi, 1 bottle of jager, and a card on my nightstand that said "Happy Birthday son! -Dad", "p.s. They're both clean and their names are Amanda and Kristen"
Great Night
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1196
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Bad Night
(
17
)
Comment
(69)
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(248)
(Anonymous):
Last night I received "party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its only 11. I already lost my underwear and i'm wearing a sparkly thong on my head. this has to be some kinda record." MDT
Great Night
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1191
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Bad Night
(
43
)
Comment
(3)
More texts from
(Anonymous)
(Anonymous):
Last night, received :"which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen?" sent:"Neither, because it's twelve." MDT
Great Night
(
1155
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Bad Night
(
63
)
Comment
(16)
More texts from
(Anonymous)
(716):
I'm drinking with a cop telling him I don't hafta drive that far. He's telling us what to do if pulled over.
Great Night
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1144
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Bad Night
(
22
)
Comment
(15)
More texts from
(716)
(690):
woke up in a football helmet, shoulder pads, and wrapped in a rug. great night right?
Great Night
(
1134
)
Bad Night
(
101
)
Comment
(5)
More texts from
(690)
(reddit):
"No one liked my idea of calling the "(pandemic) a (hamdemic) . . . well, I'm drunks and I hope you all die in the Aporkalypse"
Great Night
(
1128
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Bad Night
(
115
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Comment
(18)
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