(270): Roses are red, nuts are round. Skirts are up. Panties are down. Belly to belly. Skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in!

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(661): After we did it she threw me a gatoraid and said get ready for round two (1-661): You lucky fuck whats her name again (661): Your sister

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(631): He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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(757): I JUST SAW A FED EX TRUCK PARK IN A UPS PARKING LOT. SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

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(661): so how is hitting it while she is pregnant? (1-661): not to bad, its like cheating on my wife for 9 months with a fat chick

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(815): Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart

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(860): Apparently it's "weird" that I save condom wrappers. I'm saving them to remember my victims...like Dexter.

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(540): For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

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(908): It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

Great Night (59) Bad Night (6) Comment (2) More texts from (908)

(203): So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"

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(513): So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.

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(716): i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.

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(253): Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

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(778): There is an extremely hot guy over here in the U.S that i would like to smuggle across the border in my hand bag. P.s when i say handbag i mean my pussy.

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