(603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(847): Your mom asked why you were limping, then you replyed saying "shuttup bitch, that aint no limp its my swagga".

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(330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you

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(914): she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(330): Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

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(813): were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.

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(801): He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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(616): we fuck alot, how are we not facebook friends?

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(414): turns out he NEEDS magnums. i tried putting a regular sized one on him...didn't work out. it was like trying to put a sock over a watermelon

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(763): I woke up with my shirt on as pants... (610) Oh god what did you do last night (763) I Lived

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(580): She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.

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(918): when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(218): Is a strippers vagina still considered a private part

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(516): He called me drunk at 1 in the morning & spoke to me in 3 different accents & 4 languages, fluently.

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