(307): My English Professor was telling the class she wasn’t going to accept any excuses for missing the final. A very confident jock said, "What if we’re exhausted from a night of sexual escapades?" She told him then he would have to take the test with his other hand.
(949): I went to Walmart to buy Grand Theft Auto San Andreas, and the girlworking there didn't know what it was, so i had to describe it to her.I said, "It's a game about a black guy who goes around crashing hiscars, having sex with hookers, and beating people with clubs and shitlike that." She left and went in to the back room to get it and cameback a minute later with Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10.
(336): Since shes grinding up on ur thigh rite now, im sending u this text hoping it makes ur fone vibrate on her vagina
(903): I was in a bad mood. My boss just looked at me, handed me $40 and said “Come back when you’re drunk. the day won’t suck as much.”
(260): My brother came in high acting very crazy and my mother asked him if they needed to put him on medication. With a perfectly straight face, he replied, "There’s no medication for being awesome."
(319): Farm Ville should grow a bunch of weed, then sell it to Mafia Wars, who'll sell it in Yo Ville, then Yo Ville will get the munchies and go to Cafe World!
(781): Went to go pick up condoms and cigs last night at a 24 hr mobil, go to the register with the condoms and take out my ID for the smokes and the old man behind the counter tells me "Put it away if you're old enough to fuck you're old enough to smoke"...just made my night tht much better
(512): I was on my boyfriend’s facebook and I saw that he became a fan of "Looking at your ex and realizing you’ve majorly upgraded"
(970): This drunk guy is going around following people and is narrating their actions in an announcer voice.
(904): Babe I'm so sorry I'm a horrible gf...I cheated on you...): please forgive me ill do anything to make it up to you! (1-904) WTF! we're so over who did u fuck?? (904) your friend rachel. (1-904) is she still there? (904) yeah (1-904) u still want to make it up to me right? (904) yeah babe ill do anything! (1-904) ill be over in 5 minutes u 2 be naked :)
(585): just went shot for shot with my dad for two hours. Mom came home and yelled at us for not waiting for her and now she has to catch up. Best. parents. ever.
(310): I was watching "The Little Mermaid" with my 12 and 5-year-old nieces. The 12-year-old asked me "Why does Ariel always seem to have on lipstick underwater?" I responded with, "Maybe she’s born with it." The 5-year-old, without missing a beat, said "Maybe it’s Maybelline."
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