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(714):
Being a girl sucks. (949): Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
(850):
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
(702):
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
(818):
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
(210):
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
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(716):
so this morning i went to wake you up to help clean up and i found you on a floaty in my pool.
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(716):
why is everyone throwing up? (re'cvd) people drink too much? (sent) stupid queers. i need a f*ckin pong partner stat. how quick can you be here? (re'cvd) im in the bathroom moron. you had me do 6 shots of jager.
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(716):
he unzipped his pants took them off (r'cvd) and?... (sent) i chuckled, walked out, saw his brother and starrted flirting with him instead. (r'cvd) classy
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(716):
: i just down like 28 pixie sticks! (re'cvd):you should not be doing those kinds of things without proper supervision. (sent): red bull sounds sooo good right now. (re'cvd): dear god...
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(519):
(sent) so how was the wknd (rec'd) pretty sweet i fucked my best friend cuz the gf wasnt gettin me hard... fuck ya. ture love bro
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(519)
(519):
my dick wont work, prolly due to the fact she reminds of a albino miss piggy... what a fuckin nose!
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(336):
Tracy frank so much last night she is still pick today.
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(336)
(561):
i just saw vannila ice!! (rec'd)Really(rec'd) no wait never mind :-(
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(561)
(618):
sweet! think he'll let us cum on his wifes tits?
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(618)
(561):
(561)i was listening to "im in love with a stripper" and thought of you. (rec'd)hunny, its 3 in the morning and me and your father are trying to sleep, stop texting and come home.
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(704):
I generally give all women the benefit of overlooking their first episode of crazy, since they all have it in them. Whether they can keep it in check after the first one dictates how long I can continue to hang out.
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(704)
(309):
rec'vd- i fed your turtle my burrito cuz it looked sad. now it look s happy. sent- okay, i fed your girlfriend my cock. now she looks happy too. rec'vd- okay.
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(309)
(Anonymous):
sent: so would you care to explain why all of my underwear is up in the tree? recvd: it's not just yours, your mom's is up there too. sent: wtf? recvd: i know it's tragic...damn panty sprites
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(313):
rec: dude im wrecked. im about to buy a personal ball washe jus to fuck with ppl, oh who's that lovely girl with you, oh thats katie she washes my balls
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