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(305):
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
(408):
You think thats bad? Lastnight I tried to let out a silent fart in bed after we just had sex and I shit myself!
(608):
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
(251):
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
(606):
so I tell her yesterday iv never gotten off From getting head alone.....she sucked me for 35 straight minutes because "she likes a challenge"'!!!!!
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(586):
I recall you rolling a joint and your bf texted you and you stared at the phone and said "fuck him. weed comes first in this life"...stoner
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(586)
(714):
we left after you pulled out your bfs guns and were trying to "blast the shed" in your backyard.
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(714)
(+44):
I don't know what happened, but there is a hot naked Italian guy in my bed, and bite marks on my ass. So, yes a pretty successful night all in all!
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(772):
(Recieved): He said 'baby can you get me an ice pop?' so i went into the garage,grabbed one. and opened the door to find him standing in the hallway, naked, doing the super hero pose xD (Sent): Lol im not sure if i should be horrified or if i should laugh but i gotta give him cool points or that one.
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(772)
(928):
(sent) I told you to stay in the room. (rcvd) why? (sent) you seriously took all the fish out of the tank and put it in the vodka, saying you wanted to get them drunk. What a fucken waste of vodka.
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(928)
(301):
dude people say use condoms for oral, word from the wise, NEVER USE CONDOMS FOR ORAL. its like having a lollipop with the wrapper still on. like its like putting one of those ziplock bags in your mouth.
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(301)
(201):
Soo my news feed just showed me a pic of you playing light up beer pong about 3 feet away from lots of caution tape- have fun!
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(201)
(240):
I can tell when I'm drunk, my head starts flopping around like it's extra heavy.
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(240)
(330):
Sent: Dude, you're stoned as fuck. On a scale of 1 to 10 how happy are you right now? Received: Macaulay Culkin. You guys give up or are you thirsty for more?
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(330)
(631):
so be ready for playtime nigga ill text you when i leave to pick u up. rite now im in the middle of a bj
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(631)
(+86):
The party started. You walked in with a smile. sat down. toppled over and passed out. Any questions? You can't pregame for shit...
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(+86)
(925):
"I fucked a girl last night." "Too high. Gravity bong. Don't care."
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(925)
(413):
He said he was interested in relationships and not one night stands. I am NOT happy with that answer...
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(413)
(860):
"I literally feel like im hungover, fought a gorilla and had sex all night lol Im not going to the gym ever again with you!"
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