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(412):
so i brought him home to my apt. and after i gave him dome he asked if he could make like DNA polymerase and unzip my genes. bwahahaha that's what i get for fucking my lab partner.
(650):
I woke up with whore hair and sand in my panties!
(732):
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
(262):
just completed the tryn task of clean'n out my draws. had 2 battle the 4lvls of hell then slay the evil clothes monster. I came out of it battered & bruised but alive. All hail noble me! Next I challenge teddy mountain i will climb for days in hope 2 concour it. Gods speed 2 me.
(816):
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
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(608):
& then as I was leaving he said "if you don't leave Ill pay you $10 and eat you out."
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(3)
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(608)
(608):
hey im a nasty whore text me 574-7627
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(608)
(608):
When i finally pulled out, i had a condom on (1-608): Yeah, so? (608): I didnt start with one
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(608)
(608):
so apparently being female and willing to go to a strip club & get a lapdance is hot, i got laid, you didn't cos you insisted that strip clubs are sleazy. do the math, bitch
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(608)
(608):
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
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(608)
(608):
Dude whose bright idea was it to leave me baked in a room with a blankie and an entire box of fruit loops!?
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(608)
(608):
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
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(608)
(608):
the funniest part is that in the middle of giving out the shmiderkins timber called me and I answered. Hahahahahaha
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(608)
(608):
Sooo, I just had sex with your brother. I think my vagina is broken and going to fall out of me.
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(608)
(608):
1(608) im going to jail for 2 weeks for my DUI I'm calling it a diet (608) tell people your going to a weight lose camp for 2 weeks 1(608) yeah, and I come out all beat the fuck up 'll tell em dude there serious there this is what happens when you sneak a cupcake
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(608)
(608):
i was watching a porno the other day and all i could think of was how they just ruined that couch by getting bodily fluids on it wtf is wrong with me?
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(608)
(608):
bay real talk the last time i saw u when i was givin u head all i could think about was how much i love that dick. it is soooo wonderful. u don't even know.
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(608)
(608):
When I was fucking her, she was moaning so loud that her lamp turned on. Dude, her husband bought The Clapper!
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(608)
(608):
do a barrel roll! (608) fuck you.
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