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(303):
oh no sweetie, he went down on me first. didnt even ask for a bj in return, and then proceeded to give me four orgasms. and did i mention that this was the first time we had sex? seriously, im like 99% sure he's a keeper.
(803):
I've got Jesus and Elvis in the same bar, true story, though Elvis looks mexican
(303):
Sex is the most natural, beautiful, and meaningful thing money can buy.
(360):
god. my mouth tastes like alcohol, puke, and dick. not cute.
(904):
(rcvd) I have something very important to tell you...(sent) what? (rcvd) i was boiling water for tea and i saw an ant on the table so i poured it on the ant... the ant exploded?(sent) where do you buy your weed... seriously?
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(412):
if her dog licked my butthole, is that conidered a threesome?
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186
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(1)
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(412)
(412):
1st sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes after jake whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
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222
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4
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(412)
(412):
he looked in my eyes all serious and said "I want you to pole dance for me...on my DICK"
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14
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2
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(0)
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(412)
(412):
He was so drunk he kept asking when we were going to go get drunk (724): Haha that's John for ya
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73
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7
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(412)
(412):
"oh Jesus help us" "ha im a fuck up"
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4
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2
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(412)
(412):
BLOOOOOOOOOD EVERYWHERE
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3
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(412)
(412):
I'm laying in the bathroom throwing up blood, crying to one republic because I drank too much 151 and lokos..... BLOOOOOOOD EVERYONE IS TOO BODIED TO HELP ME, SOMEONE CALL ME BACK, PLEASE HELP................................. D;
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(412):
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
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103
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7
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(412)
(412):
I'm home now but my eyes made it to 3rd base, just saw a hooker giving a homeless man a blowjob.
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4
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(412)
(412):
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
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3
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(412):
you looked me straight in the eye and said 'all work and no play makes cody a dull boy' before passing out. i swear to god i hid in the bathroom for an hour cause i thought you were gonna axe murder the shit outta me.
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14
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(412)
(412):
ok i just almost got attacked by a big dog im too high for this haha
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2
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4
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(412):
have you ever just sat there when you were high and counted? i counted to 500 once.
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24
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(412)
(412):
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
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27
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