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(623):
dood im fighting the ham burglur and he took my cheetos!
(503):
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat. (rec'd): Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
(314):
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
(360):
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
(906):
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
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(303):
I don't know what happened. I went to go pick up a drunk friend, ended up doing jello shots and somehow sold my car on ebay. Ugh fml...
Great Night
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3
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Bad Night
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19
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(0)
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(303)
(303):
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Great Night
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106
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43
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(0)
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(303)
(303):
YOU'RE SUCH AN ASSHOLE! You can't go telling people I watch the Jersey Shore, THAT'S PERSONAL SHIT!
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14
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11
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(0)
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(303)
(303):
The best part is. She going to come home and find out that I completely shaved her dog.
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16
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3
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(0)
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(303)
(303):
So... your girlfriend left her bra at my house... lol
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13
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4
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(303)
(303):
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
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9
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8
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(0)
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(303)
(303):
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
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4
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(303)
(303):
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
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117
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10
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(0)
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(303)
(303):
I saw something on the roof. My first thought was it's a sniper. It was a balloon. Getting high and playing call of duty has ruined my perception of reality
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149
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11
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(303)
(303):
Sent: Do you even remember what we did last night? R: Yeah, we went to the park, took our shrooms, watched a bonfire for 30 min. And then ran to our cars because we thought the campers were zombies. Sent: wow we're so stupid hahaha
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(0)
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(303)
(303):
I JUST CHECKED MY VAGINA HAS AN AN ACTUAL BRUISE ON IT WHAT KIND OF EVIL MONSTER DICK DOES THIS GUY HAVE!!!!!!
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116
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10
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(303)
(303):
This trashy girl just came into the pharmacy with sweats and uggs on frantically. She asked loudly if they had Plan B and everyone heard... Embarrasing! (1-303): You got her number right? (303): Duh!
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(303)
(303):
Sometimes I wonder why Im friends with you. Then you show up to my house wearing a pink cowboy hat with j
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48
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3
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(0)
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(303)
(303):
Sometimes I wonder why Im friends with you. Then you show up to my house wearing a pink cowboy hat with j
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19
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5
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(303)
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