(814): Just saw a guy, riding on a bike in a gorilla suit with a sombrero, ringing a bell, singing happy birthday. This pretty much is the "happiest fucking valley" in the history of valleys.

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(814): (recvd) if it goes good can we kiss

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(814): he just told me he was gonna punish my vagina...should i be scared or turned on

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(814): sent: how ya feelin? recv'd: i think im dying, my dick is on fire, and my stuffed animal tiger is in shambles. sent: that bad? recv'd: there are seven empty used condoms inside the tiger. sent: we're not friends.

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(814): im getting suuuuper drunk and reading mydrunktexts.com. i keep finding ones you posted that i said. thanks for putting up with my shenanagins, pal.

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(814): The dark pans are bad! They turn chocolate chip cookies into chocolate chip pancakes!

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(814): The tooth fairy teaches kids that they can get money for pieces of their body, so I blame her for prostitution...

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(814): I crashed a bachelor party, found my best friend in a ditch, and compared nipple rings with her... Epic night!

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(814): (sent) I JUST DID SIDE ALONG APPARATION LIKE FROM HARRY POTTER! (rcvd) nice

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(814): I JUST SAW THE DEATHEATER MARK IN THE CLOUDS. RUN MOTHER FUCKERS RUN

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(814): The most action I've gotten in a month was from a gay kid. He helped me fixed my boobs and gave me a hello butt slap.

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(814): Yep. She's the queen cunt. Too bad a fucking runaway truck didn't smash the fuck out of her car at the redlight and drive her into a fuckin gas pump at sheetz causing a gas leak, and some passing motorist throw a cigarette out blowing the fucking place up then that big fuckin water tower put the flames out but in the process smashed the motherfuck out of her car, but not before she escaped that, lost all sense of where she was at, stumbled to interstate fell off the bridge.Dude what???

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(814): Guess who can't be sacrificed to the gods anymore?!?!

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(814): is it bad when your hammered and the dd is drunker than you

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Remember The Pics From Last Night?

Best Friends :)
Awesomeness!