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(879):
you got really high and you knew you were too fucked up to drive. so you tried to walk your car all the way home. the police told me they found you passed out in a puddle about 100 yards away from your car. when do you want me to come get you?
(803):
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
(908):
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
(321):
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
(647):
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
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(weens):
That was roofie on the rocks shot numero tres..Hope you had a home night as well
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