(847): We were about to have sex me and my ex pediatricians son. I told him if we do it his mom can tell us what percentile our kid will be in lol ...

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(847): Um. I just woke up and opened my laptop to find asher roth's wikipedia page open...wtf happened last night

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(847): (847) How drunk was I last night?! (224) You put a leg up on the coffee table and one arm up in the air, then shouted SUPERMAN!!!! And then proceeded to fart. (847) Oh.. well this is awkward.

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(847): (847): sent if this is really you tell me something only you know. Rec: you have pants with ****'s cum on them Sent: that's not fair everyone does

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(847): I woke up naked in my bed, and i walked in my living room nd my gf is sleeeping naked next to my mom wtf

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(847): That wasn't period blood on your shirt. You had a massive nosebleed because while on all-fours vomitting you started smacking your face on the ground and screaming OW!

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(847): I just rode to the bar in a car seat

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(847): (sent): I want one more beer but my dam ER records say no beer (received): One more beers not gonna hurt you... (sent): THANK YOU DR.Wilson (received): LOL LOL LOL No problem DR.WILSON says don't get wasssted

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(847): (sent): do you have a library card? ...Because i wanna check you out (received): LMAO...no lol

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(847): "dude i was stoned at family dinner last night...i ate 18 tacos."

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(847): I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?

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(847): dood she fuvkin broke up wiff me cuz i J'd in her face! tsall good tho cuz i JIZZED ON HER FACE and said POUW RIGHT IN THE KISSER!

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(847): Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"

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(847): (sent) i wana take jack3d before i fuck her (rec) dude ur already gonna be drunk theres no need to kill her

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Remember The Pics From Last Night?

Best Friends :)
Awesomeness!