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(879):
you got really high and you knew you were too fucked up to drive. so you tried to walk your car all the way home. the police told me they found you passed out in a puddle about 100 yards away from your car. when do you want me to come get you?
(403):
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
(410):
Just ONCE, I'd like to wake up with my underwear still on...
(604):
I have a video of Jess dancing in the street last night (1-604): So she does that all the time and you always record her doing it (604): Yea...but you're taking a shit on someone's stoop in the background this time (1-604): Yea man...that happened.
(408):
Not sure if there were 4 or 5 guys involved, I kept losing track of the midget
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(816):
I want to be a libertarian on food stamps! And an anarchist cop!
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4
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(816)
(816):
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
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235
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(816)
(816):
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
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23
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(816)
(816):
(816)12:07 a.m. Happy Birthday! (417)2:00 a.m. Thank you! Oh I totally had this typed a long time ago but forgot to hit send.
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(816)
(816):
(rec'd) No you aren't doing it as good as me (rec'd) oh, now you are.
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15
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(816)
(816):
(816) She's a whore... (816-2) Well, good thing I know her (it was the birthday girl)
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4
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4
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(816)
(816):
Received: I'm tired of going to jail. Sent: Are you really in jail?? Received: Nah man, Monopoly.
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17
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5
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(816)
(816):
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
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(816)
(816):
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
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133
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12
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(816)
(816):
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
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(816)
(816):
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
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(816)
(816):
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
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25
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(816)
(816):
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
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130
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15
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(816)
(816):
got my mom drunk in the pool in her bra and underware, she fell off the porch, broke a rib, and her 18 year old grandson had to shower her.
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5
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12
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