(703): I dropped my phone in beer and now it doesn't work. Good thing I have this iPhone Mike bought me....

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(703): My husband Dane reminds me of Paul Stanley from Kiss. Looks like a Jewish woman and you know he's had a few in the butt before! Feel sorry for our kid's! Love you Honey! Chello

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(703): So what does it mean when you have a dream that Gordon Ramsay is yelling at you as you're texting on the toilet?

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(703): Best night ever so high my best friends show floated down a lake sewer thing while we were playin in the water hopped back up a big ass rocky hill went to mc ds made black jokes to stranger came home to my parents laughing at me epic win that's fuduckin crazy

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(703): Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me

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(703): Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution

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(703): There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.

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(703): New drinking game: scroll down your facebook newsfeed and take a shot every time someone mentions osama.

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(703): Dude, im telling you, it wasn't crack

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(703): Baby I have to be completely honest with u I love you you are the best thing that's ever happened to me which is why I can lie no longer I can't be with you unless you learn to except the fact that I love women I can love you forever but I just don't like dick anymore unless you can learn to understand that pussy is more important to me and realize we are going to have to live a life sex free then we can never be I love you happy April fools day you are amazing and I'm so glad you put up with me ......... Anyways back to my women

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(703): i stole a crack pipe out of that escalade...it was morally wrong to steal, but the guy has kids, did i do good?

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(703): You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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(703): OMG im soo fing hungover. I stomped my fan into little pieces barefoot cuz it wouldnt turn on. Turns out it was unplugged.

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(703): They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar

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Remember The Pics From Last Night?

Best Friends :)
Awesomeness!