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(412):
only our family would turn thanksgiving into a turkey-themed rave...
(407):
She said she was vegan, but she swallowed
(316):
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
(248):
(sent) wanna see your twat. (rcv'd) you did - the inside, i screamed and kicked. . . and then dad cut the umbilical cord. and get home. NOW.
(757):
rec'd: you know that chick at the bar that loved my dogtags? (sent): Yeah? (rec'd): I woke up, and she's got like a hundred pairs on her dresser. Can you pick me up at Lynn Haven. And then take me to the clinic?
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(636):
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
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22
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(0)
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(636)
(636):
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
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110
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(636)
(636):
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
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(636)
(636):
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
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(636)
(636):
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
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97
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26
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(636)
(636):
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
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15
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(636)
(636):
(636) It's official, me and vodka are no longer friends. (1-636) why is that... (636) have you ever choked on a snowball?
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(636)
(636):
It's official, I'm swearing off drinking. Why do you ask? For one, I almost choked and died on a snowball.
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(636)
(636):
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
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(636)
(636):
You ruined the night and the booze, you're worse than the Grinch. Your heart cant even grow three size in a comical fashion or you'll die. Bastard.
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(636)
(636):
rcvd: DUDE i just had sex. what did i do? I blasted the song "I just had sex" in my car WHAADUP!? sent: DUDE, you're really lame.
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(636)
(636):
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
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(636)
(636):
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
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93
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6
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(636)
(636):
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
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141
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