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(309):
Threw up in an empty beer bottle......made it look like I was taking a swig. SCORE!
(713):
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
(847):
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
(201):
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
(336):
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
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(604):
Why is there a shark fin in my car? 778; Alexandra dressed up as a landshark! 604; so much win
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(604)
(604):
(Sent) Why'd you leave the party? (rec) some guy called my bud gay (sent) So.. (rec) so we took his grey goose and ran (sent) WTF.. aha man come back (rec) is he still there? (sent) which guy (rec) the angry face guy, -Next weekend- (sent) Man you gotta stop ducking off at parties, you missed it (rec) missed what ? are they looking for me (sent) that guy from last weekend just got punched in the face by some girl AHHAHA poor bastard (sent) ... wait.. (rec) 8)
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(604)
(604):
Man I'm horny ! (1-604) Bro. Gross. Your dads in his room fucking & you're horny? Yeah nottt right. Just sounds gross.
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(604)
(604):
Aaaw, my dealer just told me I look nice
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1
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(604)
(604):
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
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(604)
(604):
(604):Just so ypu know if ANYTHING happens to Jess. Its your fault...And we are not friends right now...And I have all jessicas money (778): jhqtd fine (604): You lost adam, good job!
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(604)
(604):
buddy texts me last night in an ambulance, strapped to a stretcher and in a neck brace without even looking: "Appwenyk kat ms a fr armen' IN K MINO" Translation: Apparently im in an ambulance, BRING ME A BEER." thoroughly impressed.
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(604)
(604):
(rec) Can we fuck? (sent) Thats a little forward, you joking? (rec) No, i'll give you gas money, suck your dick and i'll be on top this time (sent) 5 minutes.
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(604)
(604):
(sent) You was on the floor laughing for more than 20 minutes by yourself because when you went to change the channel "manually" it went from, 50 to 46, to 32, 26 and 17.(rec) AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA. Shit.
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(604)
(604):
"I advise you quit smoking weed. Yesterday you forgot that Calgary was in Canada and today you tell a gay joke in a gay restaurant. lol!"
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(604)
(604):
I don't remember much from last night, but I found a loaf of bread in my closet.
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11
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(604)
(604):
I say you, me, and a burrito have a mexican threesome...nothing but sombraros.
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7
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(604)
(604):
Ok if ur car dies and we need to have a funeral I will give u my cat half the week
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4
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(604)
(604):
My younger sister was downtown, and turns to my cousin yelling that she cant find her phone. Turns out she was talking on her phone to another friend - and she can't figure out why she can't remember this.
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(604)
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