(585): You're a nice man but I'm not feeding you detergent.

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(585): Anyone at heat night club last night

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(585): Honey - " is it bad that I think I wanna tell the person I'm sleeping with he should start paying me? " Me- "Umm yea.." Honey - " I just need some income and I'm not talking about the type of come put of his penis " Me - " yeap that's prostitution " Honey - " what if he pays me willingly ..."

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(585): Woke up this morning, next to a river, with a fishing pole, and one sock. Don't have my phone, and my house was all the way across town. Walked all the way there with my sock over my junk. So much win.

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(585): I feel like we should have a party everytime you get your period.

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(585): wtf i just found out i tried to have sex with his little brother on the floor of wegmans ..... he is like 9 years old

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(585): we realized it was laced when we saw everything in cartoon and then they told us we had to walk home i got so pisssed i just straight out started peeing on his bed and yelling FUCK YOU

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(585): Best thing to hear in the morning: my lower back hurts because of all that crazy dick sucking you got last night (801): That has to be the best complaint ever.

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(585): Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.

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(585): (S) So this girl keeps telling me how she hasn't gotten laid in forever and it driving her crazy. Is that like code for come fuck me? (R) Your such a lucky Idiot. Do you know that? (S) I know that i'm on my way over to help her with her homework. So you can replace lucky with skillful and idiot with sex genius.

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(585): it's mydrunktexts.com, it's really funny. there's alot if scenarios on here that relate to me. lol that's sad.

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(585): started trippin on acid, punched my best friends mom in the face. got butt ass naked and decided to some fresh so i jumped through the glass of a 4 story window landed in the neighbors lawn. got driven to the hopital still naked and started punching the driver in the face so he had to knock me out. i guess i had bad trip...

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(585): he's on the floor spooning with a purple crate..

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(585): Cutting your hand is like putting a knife into a kangaroo pocket on your hand. what if people said that instead of "cutting your hand"? like, "i put a knife into the pocket on my hand."

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Remember The Pics From Last Night?

Best Friends :)
Awesomeness!