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(517):
Dude, Ted's grandma bought my condoms... Then winked at me... HELP!
(609):
My 3 year old twins have a huge dry erase board hanging in between their beds. So Jon came home drunk after they fell asleep and drew a very detailed and large drawing of a penis. When he went to erase it he realized it was in Sharpie.
(812):
dude you blew a 1.54 when they breathalized you and when the cops asked you if you needed an ambulance you told them "fuck no i just need a ciggarette" (1-812) i'ma hardass like that.
(513):
"Thanks for getting me home last night and putting up with my drunk ass again!" response: "I have no idea what you're talking about, I'm in Florida..."
(814):
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
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(410):
I Bit my own Arm but I don't know why? And Also, I cannot find my carrots. I swore I bought some carrots. But they're gone! Carrot thieves! Damn sons of a bitches with there stealing delicious rabbit treats. Assholes!
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(410)
(410):
You went to a party at a rabbi's house and gave a blow job to an orthodox jew.
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(410)
(410):
Got blown by a girl dressed as kesha last night and I cant get the glitter off. I guess it's true that glitter is the herpes of crafts lol
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(410):
haha i'm not goinh out to drink tonight butt i had already dressed up for the ceo party sooo....i'm wearing tghis to a kidss house to go have sex with him haha
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(410):
So if i join the military will you temporarily marry me and have my kid so I can get paid more?
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(410):
Came so hard in the shower, I knocked a tile off the wall!! Lmao
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(410)
(410):
When I get drunk I spoon my mind
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(410)
(410):
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
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(410)
(410):
Omg how did I end up under the car last nite? Reply: you fell underthere than went to sleep. Umm did u check on me?.reply:no.I probably fell and knock myself unconscious. Ppl just don't fall asleep undercars jackass
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(410)
(410):
I pulled up to McDonalds thinking it was Taco Bell. I now know what it feels like to have blue balls.
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(410)
(410):
You walked into a tree and face planted. Then, jumped back up like it was nothing. 100 proof.
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(410)
(410):
If you have a lisp, you can suck on this!!!
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(410)
(410):
wanna goto drunk and get highs
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(410)
(410):
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
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(410)
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