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(401):
dude Alex took a shit and clogged my toilet last night... i had no plunger so i bare handed it.
(317):
Well, the good news is Jess is a squirter. The bad news is my iPod, as it turns out, is not waterproof.
(242):
As we were fucking he started singing Baby by Justin Beiber. And when he was almost done he said "BABY BABY BABY" and when he came in me he did the "Oooh!" part.
(425):
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
(281):
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
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(334):
(S) Hey Babe, How'd you sleep? (R) Fine, I guess, you? (S) I didn't... After you kicked me out, I masturbated to a picture of your sister, then proceeded to play Banjo Kazooie on the Nintendo 64 and listen to A Day to Remember for the rest of the night.
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(334):
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
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(334)
(334):
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
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(334):
Me too. I went out last night and kinda spent my gas money on strippers and cigarettes lol.
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(334):
Im not drunk. My shoes are off and i put my clothes away. However i feel +10 sexy and feel im the greatest writer in the world. Driving isnt an option right now but an autobiography is.
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(334)
(334):
A man is the perfect cook, he makes 2 delicious eggs with 1 yummy breakfast sausage... its enough to keep a girl full for a whole 9 months :) I got that one from my boyfriend.. funny he was the one telling me
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(334):
(S) I knew I had to propose when we killed a three hour car trip discussing how best to prepare for the zombie apocalypse. (R) Nice dude, what did yall decide? (S) We're killing you first, you trip a lot. Sorry :-/
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(334):
Blowing do do wirhb this 44; sithvthevset babcn and the seat lig
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(334)
(334):
Did you guys fuck last night? (334) well I'm pretty sure we were about to until you yelled family guy was on and she ran out butt naked wearin only a smile
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(334):
I have fucked 2 guys in the last week. Thats kinda bad, right? (1-334) Oh no, not at all.. but I think your husband would think differently.
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(334):
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
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(334)
(334):
He had a bathroom in his bathroom, it was like Narnia! (912) That's retarded. (334) IT WAS LIKE NARNIA! NARNIA IS NOT RETARDED!
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(334):
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
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(334):
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
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