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(630):
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
(270):
My mom was recently admitted to the hospital. A few hours later, she texted me to remind me to maintain her FarmVille! (1-270): Oh Morphine
(270):
After we had sex I slapped her on the ass and said good game. She just stared at me in shock.
(831):
He said he wasn't ready for anything as serious as a fuck buddy, so now we're diddle buddies.
(608):
i am the smartest drunk girl ever. before i send a text out i make my drunken self ask my sober self if it is appropriate to send at the time.
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(309):
Sopooooooo we evera finna get it in??I was just eonderin!! Bffs,yo!
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3
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(309)
(309):
idk how you did it, but you managed to find your way into her bed last night. (217): booze heightens my sense of direction
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151
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13
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(309)
(309):
(309): I didnt have any ibuprophen for my headache so i decided that drinking a whole bottle of cold medicine would work dandy. (319) how'd that turn out? (309): i now understand the meaning of the word robotrippin.
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(309)
(309):
i knew i was drunk when i said "gracias" to the chinese lady that sold me rangoons.
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18
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4
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(309)
(309):
I can't believe u wasted taking my clithes off for this! (217) yea, I'm still here!! (309) ummm oops...
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(309)
(309):
I don't remember what your face looks like.. (727): I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
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130
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(309)
(309):
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
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(309)
(309):
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time (1-309): I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
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58
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10
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(309)
(309):
R: If your aunt had balls she'd be your uncle. S: if your aunt would suck my balls I could be your uncle R: Touche sir.
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(309)
(309):
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
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139
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(309)
(309):
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
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31
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8
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(309)
(309):
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
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104
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10
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(0)
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(309)
(309):
Dude. It smells like slut in your hallway.
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83
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8
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(309)
(309):
If i askd u 2 send me a pic of you topless wuld u do it? i don't care 2 c ur boobs.But my dog needs 2 throw my car keys back up.
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1
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(309)
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