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(303):
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
(973):
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
(973):
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
(702):
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
(513):
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
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(256):
Dude. New girl. No gag reflex. Daddy issues. Tits. And cooks a cracking bacon roll
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(256)
(256):
Life at Sammy Rs. An I son know where I got Homem but Biff I tell you I am the Lamp of gods foot I am safe and sounrb. To sleep I will ho! Love you to baconstot
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(256)
(256):
When I get mad at my dad, you best believe I shave my pubes with his razor.
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25
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(256)
(256):
he called me a fag, so to prove him wrong i fucked his gf..
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(256)
(256):
i have the hiccups, quick! shove your dick down my throat so it can yell at my lungs and them them to stop!
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(256)
(256):
I woke up next to my best guy friend on top of me........that drunk.
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13
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(1)
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(256)
(256):
(870): gay... (256): nope. that's the one i went out with. from the other night. big dick. remember? (870): ooooooh..the emotionally attached one? (256)oh yah!!
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(256)
(256):
I knew the party was bad idea when the first thing I saw was a guy wearing a fish tank on his head playing beer pong.
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10
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(256)
(256):
You were really smashed so we gave you some bread. You had been listening to "I whip my hair back and forth" and looked at us and laughed, "I whip my bread back and forth, I whip my bread back and forth" while shaking bread in my face.
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(256)
(256):
When I burp it tastes like fried chicken. I had lortabs...
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2
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(256)
(256):
Text from myself to my future self: " Your keys are in the box of grits in the pantry"
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108
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4
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(256)
(256):
(Sent): Why the hell did I download that firework song by kate perry? And why did I listen to it 146 times? (Received): you videotaped yourself dancing to it and emailed it to dance dance revolution telling them to make a commercial.
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(256)
(256):
Sent: oh no! I had sex with that guy last nite!! Recd: well, I gave his friend a hand job in the next room! Sent: a hand job??!! What r you??!! In third grade??!! Recd: my god!!! U gave hand jobs in third grade!!! Sent: NO!! u know what I meant!! Haha!!
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(256)
(256):
So...can you tell me why we think we're big ballers at the bar every Thursday night and buy shot after shot for everyone...then the next morning we can't afford to eat or buy gas to get to work!!???
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