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(781):
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
(rawr):
I'm sitting on the side of the road drunk... I look homeless
(224):
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me. (630): Thats like the definition of a good friend
(410):
I thought our fight was over when she said "I'll go get some lube" I am now lying on the bathroom floor trying to get icyhot of my dick. Pay back never hurt so bad.
(574):
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
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(402):
she told me if I beat her one more time in mario kart we weren't having sex tonight. (402-1) So.... (402) I hit her ass with a red shell in the last turn. Victory has never tasted so bittersweet
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(402):
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
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(402):
woke up under bed naked, but didn't drive home. how did i get home, and why am i naked under the bed?
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(402):
S:So last night i smoked 9 blunts in an hour for my birthday. I guess i walked through the Mickey B's drive through and orded a large strawberry, R:So?? Why is that so bad? S:Im allergic to strawberrys. Guess who was rushed to the hospital?
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(333):
So I got drunk last night, went to bed with tyler and kolten. Woke up with a neck COMPLETLEY covered in hickes, I can't move my neck.
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(402):
Rec: Hey... can you come get me? Snt: Yah, where are you? Rec: I dont know, but it's dark and people are fucking laughing at me. and im triipin as fuck.
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(402):
you know justin biebers only gonna be famous til his balls drop... hehe sucker
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