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(919):
My couch pulls out... but i don't
(719):
I wish my midterms would fuck each other so they would do themselves
(804):
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
(918):
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
(914):
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
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(510):
Some girl has a rat on the bus. And she's giving it kisses...
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(530):
confession, you know if i wasn't a christian, i would not be a virgin. person #2: amen sister!
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(530):
*while attempting to sing 50 cent's 'magic stick'--"Pull out the magic trick, pull out the tissue dicks"
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(530):
"You know, I'm actually being healthy for my body- I'm drinking cranberry juice afterwards which helps for yeast AFFECTIONS"
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(951):
I'm drunk at a cancer fundraising event
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