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(201):
I wanna train a pterodactyl & fly that shit EVERYWHERE.
(978):
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
(317):
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
(614):
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
(530):
Shoulda done banana man. Disappointed. Wish I was the same old slut i used to be =(
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(305):
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
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144
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50
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(2)
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(515):
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
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132
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48
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(1)
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(678):
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
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114
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Bad Night
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37
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(8)
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F U, Auto Correct! - Funny iphone Auto-Correct Texts :)
F You, Auto Correct.com
(972):
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
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108
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24
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(3)
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(863):
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
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308
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44
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(7)
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(802):
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
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365
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Bad Night
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20
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(5)
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(203):
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
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376
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15
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(3)
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(770):
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
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344
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8
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Comment
(0)
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(818):
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
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177
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36
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(3)
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(703):
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
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129
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29
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(1)
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(219):
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
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170
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13
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(4)
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(678):
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
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152
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15
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(4)
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(703):
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
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128
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28
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(1)
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(225):
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
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111
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56
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(3)
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